Volume 1: In the Blood Ep. 10 - Trial of the Gods
TRANSCRIPT - In the Blood Ep. 10 - Trial of the Gods
Tau
A product of the Whisperforge.
[SFX: Whisperforge chime.]
Sound and Story: Brought to Life.
Tau
You're listening to a parody that is not affiliated with or endorsed by Supergiant Games in any way. We're just big old nerds making improv fanfiction. ROGUE RUNNERS is rated R for pretty much everything you can find in Greek mythology, violence, assault, self harm, offensive language, insensitive humor, and intense themes. We encourage everyone to check out our show notes and transcripts on our website at whisperforge.org. Are you ready to run? Then Welcome to Volume 1: In the Blood.
[SFX: Title music.]
[SFX: Sea waves and rain, water lapping against a wooden row boat.]
Tau
Rolf, the first thing you notice is the brisk, briny air against your skin. The second the smell of salt and blood. Then you feel your body rocking back and forth. Your back resting on a soggy wet slat of wood on a boat. Your face is numb. Slowly, as sensation comes back to your skin, you feel heavy rain battering down upon your face. You open your eyes blinking through the cold droplets. (deeper, desperate voice) "He's awake again. Magni's beard he's awake!" You see four figures looking down at you. One, a young woman baring a long thin sword. Another, a man with a long red cape. Another, a dagger wielding man in a black cloak. At the front of this tiny boat barely big enough to carry the five of you is your oldest and dearest friend. Describe him.
Giancarlo
We see Bragi Anders. Bragi Anders is a five foot 10 man. Where Rolf has very, very silver hair that was once a bright hayish yellow, Bragi has this very dark chestnut brown, almost black hair in some areas with those lighter streaks of brown, brown eyes, and a very nice clean shaven face. Maybe just like the hint of a mustache, maybe that is being experimented with but not not quite there. Stockier man, definitely dressed in very light, breezy linen clothing very breathable and movable.
Tau
And sopping wet because it is super super rainy.
Giancarlo
So maybe not that movable in its current state. (gently laughs)
Tau
As you rise up in the boat, you see a handful of other boats a few hundred yards away from you, all also rocking violently in the storm. It is as you were warned. Ragnarok and the whole world will fall submerged in water. "Rolf, we need your spell breaking to stop this. We knew this day would come but it wasn't supposed to be like this." From behind him, you see the very sea rise up in a long snake-like pillar.
[SFX: A large spash and spray of water.]
Tau
(desperate) "Nothing about this is right. This isn't natural. There was supposed to be a great battle but the gods, the gods... they're.... gone. They won't to answer, none of them are here. What's happening, Rolf?"
Giancarlo
"I wish I had answers. Look, I can do what I can. I've experimented but all of this is theoretical, mage craft, spell breaking..."
Nicholas
(intense, as Brynjolf) "Do not fear, Rolf, Thor is with us. I can see him now striking his anvil. The lightning throughout the skies!"
Giancarlo
"Thank you Brynjolf. Here goes nothing." And Rolf is going to cast ice knife at the pillar of water and hope that I can stop it in its tracks before it gets any bigger.
Tau
Alright, everybody roll initiative.
Giancarlo
Everybody?
Nicholas
Everybody?
Tau
(matter of factly) Yeah.
Nicholas
Woah.
Michael
Alright!
Giancarlo
15!
Nicholas
Brynjolf gets a seven.
Tau
Okay. Arete? Or, what, what are you Arete?
Michael
I'll go with Dagfinn. It is a 15.
Tau
Annie, what are you going to be?
Amanda
Name is Thora and I rolled a 21.
Giancarlo
"Ragnarok could not occur if the gods were not present. Surely they must be here right Brynjolf?"
Nicholas
"I can see him now. He is not angry with us. He is happy with us! That we are here to take this voyage!"
[SFX: Low, rapid base notes grow louder.]
Tau
You see that the massive pillar of water. Bragi is just looking at you while you're talking to him. And so as he's looking at you intensely you just see this massive wall of water rise behind him, unbeknownst to him.
[SFX: Water rushing.]
Giancarlo
"Bragi move!"
Tau
He turns around and sees it just as this massive pillar of water is about to crash down and it is going to make a slam attack on the entire boat.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
Ooh. Okay, does a 28 not hit anybody?
Nicholas
(snorts)
Amanda
Oh no, it hits me.
Michael
Hits me.
Giancarlo
It hits me twice.
Nicholas
(laughs)
Tau
Everybody takes 23 bludgeoning damage.
[SFX: The wave crashes down. Rolf cries out.]
Tau
So the pillar of water crashes down, and then as it crashes down onto the boat, the boat rocks heavily, we're going to see how well it can hold up
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
to that abuse. Oh! You know fairly well, but maybe not forever. So think about that. Then that massive pillar is going to come back up again and it's going to become a little bit skinnier as it starts writhing faster and tiny little more tendrils of water start breaking off from it and seem to spin around it and now it's become this kind of like mass of like water tentacles whirling around like a little tornado type of thing.
Amanda
Well, Thora is going to cast destructive wave at the water thing. Thora pulls out her rapier
[SFX: Scrape of metal.]
Amanda
and starts to vigorously swing it, kind of around
[SFX: Whips through the air rapidly.]
Amanda
and above her head and a wave of force kind of comes out of it and she aims it directly at the creature. You have to roll constitution saving throw.
Tau
The sea a good constitution.
Amanda
Of course it does.
Michael
Who would have thought?
Tau
Oh, oh, oh!
Amanda
Oh?
Tau
Well, it's a critical failure.
Amanda
Yay!! Wave crashes into this water creature pushing it backwards and splitting it apart in a way that some of the water dissipates back into the ocean. And it is ideally smaller and not as threatening. And it takes 21 damage.
Tau
Would you like to call upon boons from any Norse deities?
Amanda
(uncertain) Probably.
Tau
Well, let's hear it.
Nicholas
Do we have any?
Tau
Improv babey!
Amanda
Thora is going to aim the sword up towards the sky and call on Thor. "Thor! Aid this strike!" and then aim it back towards the water creature, hopefully striking it down with some light.
Tau
Alright, so how much damage does it take total?
Amanda
That is 50.
[SFX: A boom of thunder and a cascade of magic.]
Tau
Okay, you feel like you've taken out like a fifth of whatever this thing is. Bragi sees Thora do this and says "My goodness, perhaps the gods haven't forsaken us after all. I've been calling on them for ages, but I haven't seen them answer like that." He is going to take out his warhammer
[SFX: A heavy scrape of metal.]
Tau
then look at this giant water storm creature forming in front of him. He's just gonna go (grunts) just throw his warhammer basically at the ocean so let's see how that goes.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
He deals with a very solid 18 damage.
[SFX: Water splashes.]
Giancarlo
Nice!
Amanda
Yay, Bragi!
Tau
That was like that was like not bad at all for what I imagined Bragi was capable of.
Michael
Dagfinn is going to leap off the boats and draw his dagger as he goes. "Jord! I call upon thee for help! Yoohoo! Jord!"
Nicholas
Yoohoo. (laughs)
Tau
Oh my god. All right, the waves rise to meet your feet, Dagfinn
[SFX: Heavy splash.]
Tau
and carry you wherever you want to go.
Michael
To the spinning cyclone of tentacle water arms.
Tau
It does do that. We're gonna call it a Tempest.
Michael
Okay, great. Thank you. So Dagfinn heads in the direction of the Tempest, drawing his weapon as he goes, and he will stab at the water. Ooo, a 30. Does that hit?
Tau
That does hit, is that a crit?
Michael
No a nice 10 damage.
[SFX: A ploppy splash.]
Michael
As the dagger approaches, Dagfinn calls out "Víðarr! God the vengeance! ai this strike! Yoohoo! Víðarr!"
Tau
And then you you see a slick green energy pouring through your blade
[SFX: A glittering, gleaming sound.]
Tau
that will actually give you advantage on your next attack now that you've done damage to it. At this point Bragi is going to turn to Rolf and say "Rolf, I know you've never been confident in spell breaking but this is the time. If there was ever a time. it is now you must act!"
Giancarlo
"Bragi, we'll handle it. I need you to go beneath, go b-below deck now."
Tau
"This is a rowboat."
Giancarlo
"Dammit!"
Tau
"I'm 'no anding' you right now." (chuckles)
Giancarlo
"Step behind me." And and Rolf is going to run up and try and put himself between Bragi and the Tempest in order to provide cover should it strike again. And as he is doing that, you see the veins almost rise to the surface. And they don't ripple with red but they ripple with this like deep, deep blue almost purple as it pours out into that same color blood crystal and he invokes it and he says "Ymir deliver us from danger,"
[SFX: Magic casts and ice crackles.]
Giancarlo
as he casts a fourth level ice knife on the tempest. 28 to hit.
Tau
That hits.
Giancarlo
So you take 39 piercing damage as the ice knife flies into the middle of the Tempest.
[SFX: It whips through the air.]
Giancarlo
with the deep purple blood crystal frozen inside. As it penetrates into the Tempest, you see the eyes begin to splinter and break away and as it does the surface of the actual blood crystal becomes exposed and on contact with the water, it shatters and flies out, generating more ice as it does so. And you take an an additional 42 ice damage
[SFX: A boom, splash, ice crackles.]
Giancarlo
as that splinters out and attempts to freeze the entire Tempest.
Tau
Okay like half of this Tempest is freezing as Rolf launches this massive ice knife, basically an ice javelin at this point, at it. And it seems to writhe, not so much in pain, but just continuous unfettered rage. Bragi seems very impressed and says, "Rolf, Rolf, that is, that is magnificent, my friend."
Giancarlo
"The gods have not forsaken us just yet."
Nicholas
"If we were to die, it is the fate of the gods."
Giancarlo
"We will not die here today, Brynjolf."
Nicholas
Brynjolf will throw a wicked smile towards Thora and be like "You feel his presence too." And he will roll his eyes like in the back of his head and start like stirring his hands whimsically, wriggling his fingers. (in a deep, rough voice, speaks a spell) And he will just like point his fingers to the sky as he calls upon "Thor!" And he will call lightning. The Tempest has to roll a dexterity save.
Tau
It gets a... 20 flat.
Nicholas
Okay, so we'll take half this damage. Okay, then that was 42 but half of that would be 21.
Tau
The Tempest is looking quite bad. It is now it's turned though and it is going to release a blast of thunder and wind in a line that is one mile long and 20 feet wide.
[SFX: Wind thunders outward.]
Tau
The boat that you're on completely shatters.
[SFX: An explosion of wood.]
Tau
Everyone needs to make a dexterity saving throw.
Nicholas
(smiling) Plus four to everybody with me in the boat.
Amanda
So Thora got 30 then, with the plus four.
Giancarlo
Seeing that blast coming, Rolf is just like immediately going to grab Bragi and, since he's shorter than him, like ball him up and try and cover as much of his body as he can. I don't know if this can help to like give him advantage on the saving throw?
Tau
It cannot but it is very sweet.
Giancarlo
Okay, well he's gonna try and take the blast all along his back as he rolls a...
Tau
(laughing) I bet he is.
Amanda
Oh my god.
Giancarlo
And he rolled exactly a 21 on that dexterity saving throw!
Michael
Dagfinn is going to sense that his fanatical companion, Brynjolf, is in trouble and he is going to use his Loki card of fate
[SFX: A glimmery chime.]
Michael
to make his base roll a 20 for his saving throw.
Nicholas
Then that's a 29 for Brynjolf.
Tau
(jokingly indignant) Oh dang. Okay, well that I guess y'all are fine.
Players
(laugh)
Tau
So everyone must succeed on that saving throw or take that-- oh, I guess have to roll for Bragi.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Amanda
Aw.
Nicholas
Uh oh.
Giancarlo
Oh no.
Tau
Well Bragi gets a five.
Giancarlo
Godammit!
Tau
He takes 22 damage.
Giancarlo
Jesus.
Tau
He looks not great and is flung 60 feet in a direction away from the line.
[SFX: Bragi's body whips through the air and lands with a plunking splash.]
Tau
So he blasts under you and is just blown clean past you 60 feet into the water and now the rest of you are also in the water. Welcome to Volume Two: In the Water.
Nicholas
(laughing) In the water.
Amanda
Thora would like to cast Melf's acid arrow, fifth level on the Tempest.
Tau
Okay, I was trying to make it like norse sound, like milf's, like--
Giancarlo
(laughing) Milf's acid arrow.
Amanda
Yeah, I think Milf is just fine.
Giancarlo
(laughing) I give up.
Tau
(laughing) Molf's.
Amanda
So that's a 13.
Tau
Okay, that does not hit.
Amanda
Nothing happens. Thora's just not feeling it, Thora thought she could, but she's also trying to stay above water so she's trying to not drown as she's trying to cast the spell just (gurgles).
Tau
Bragi, bless him, is not a swimmer and he is desperately trying to find something to stay afloat and he grabs on to a piece of broken boat and tries to kind of just hoist himself on it.
Michael
So Dagfinn calls out "Yoohoo! Loki, aid me this day and make me go bye bye!" And Dag disappears with a slight popping noise
[SFX: Pop!]
Michael
And becomes invisible. He then stabs the Tempest in the back
[SFX: Splash.]
Michael
with his dagger with the sneak attack damage. It comes to 25 piercing damage.
Tau
Okay, yeah, the Tempest is looking like a husk of what it was originally. The storm seems to be dying down a little bit, but it's angrier by the moment.
Michael
Dagfinn calls out to Njord. "Yoohoo! Njord, help me dash around Tempest," as he just kind of like starts going in a circle around the Tempest to raise his AC, as he dashes about it.
[SFX: Splashes.]
Giancarlo
Having just been thrown about by the Tempest, Rolf is sinking into the water. And when he opens his eyes beneath the surface, he sees Bragi's body kind of dipping beneath there 60 feet away. Knowing that he is not a capable swimmer, Rolf prays like the words don't vome out of his mouth, but his soul calls out to Hermod and he says, "Hermod, I need you." And he uses that to dash as a bonus action.
[SFX: A sloshing splash.]
Giancarlo
And so he swims the 60 feet up toward Bragi, grabs him just as he is surfacing onto the piece of driftwood. And he says, "Do you trust me?"
Tau
(breathless) "With my life."
Giancarlo
"Very well." And he is going to, I don't think a boon, I think he is going to call upon Odin.
Tau
(intrigued) Okay.
Giancarlo
"Odin, do not abandon us!" as he thunder steps with Bragi 90 feet into the center of the Tempest at level five.
Tau
Oh shit! Okay.
Giancarlo
Roll a constitution saving throw.
Tau
So you call upon Odin. You vanish.
[SFX: Woosh.]
Tau
But from the point to where you're thunder stepping to, you see a massive spectral horse that you know to be named, Sleipnir,
[SFX: Galloping hooves, a whinny.]
Tau
galloping at lightning speed to the, straight into the center of the storm, and then that's where you appear.
Giancarlo
And I guess we both appear up top Sleipnir, on the horse as little imperceptible shards of the blood crystal shoot out of Rolf's pores all around them like a hedgehog, like shedding all of its spikes, and it flies out into the frozen bits of the Tempest and,
[SFX: Clinks of ice.]
Giancarlo
What was that constitution saving throw?
Tau
13.
Giancarlo
Well, with the blood crystal, he had to beat a 25.
Tau
(laughing) Okay.
Giancarlo
So.
Tau
It does not meet that.
Giancarlo
Those little shards of crystal radiate out, they lodge themselves in the frozen pieces of water, and then begin to vibrate as Rolf does and shatter, dealing 38 thunder damage.
[SFX: A small boom.]
Giancarlo
He's going to expend sorcery points to cast careful spell to automatically allow Bragi to succeed on that.
Tau
So Odin helps you out with this and you feel that actually it deals critical damage. So what was the actual amount?
Giancarlo
Okay, so it was 38, which then becomes 76.
Tau
Rolf, you call out to Odin. And this massive spectral horse appears under the two of you and carries you both, galloping through the air, over the water, directly into the heart of the Tempest where your thunder step explodes
[SFX: Boom. Splash.]
Tau
directly in the heart of the Tempest dealing 76 thunder damage. And the Tempest shatters in all directions, and a massive tidal wave emanates in a circle away from this Tempest
[SFX: Large splashing, crashing wave.]
Tau
and completely washes away Thora and Brynjolf and Dagfinn. They are gone from the picture. An--
Michael
"Yoohoo! Goodbye Woo!"
Tau
And then just slowly descending in the dying winds, it is just Bragi looking at you, the winds flying all around, tossing his dark hair and he looks at you beaming and beatific and bemused and he just says, "What, Rolf? Rolf, what are you?"
Giancarlo
"What? What? What do you mean?"
Tau
"I know that you've been studying spell breaking, but you've never been able to do... this. How did you do all this... for me?"
Giancarlo
"That's that that's your answer. I... there was no choice, right? It's what we have to do for each other to succeed, stay stay alive. Right?"
Tau
"Stay alive?" He looks at you confused. Then he looks down at his own body and you see, just half of it has completely been blown through. With watery tentacles just slowly embracing those wounds--
Giancarlo
Stop, stop, no.
Tau
And wrapping around him. Both of your bodies are slowly descending to the water and he says "Half of us to Ragnarok, half of us to Fólkvangr. Do you think we'll ever meet again?"
Giancarlo
"What do you know? This isn't real, this isn't real, we're we're we're, um."
Tau
"Answer me Rolf, the Valkyries will claim us soon."
Giancarlo
"We don't need to meet again because we will not be separated."
Tau
"What do you mean we won't be separated?"
Giancarlo
"I mean, we can't be, I-I-I won't let it happen."
Tau
"Rolf, it's happening. I can't. I can't even see you anymore. It's getting hard to hear you." And you see his eyes begin getting cloudy and white.
Giancarlo
"Stop stop! (searches for words) Odin! Ah, uh, um. Freya, Freya! Please."
Tau
"Rolf, Rolff, stop shouting. There's there's something I've been wanting to tell you. Rolf."
Giancarlo
"What is it?"
Tau
"Rolf, I--" and the water swallows the two of you whole.
[SFX: A wave of water crashes down. Undulating deep water sounds.]
Tau
While you feel your body descending further and further, deeper below the depths and it is getting blacker and colder as you descend. And you begin to lose all sense of time. You begin to lose all sense of place, you just feel hundreds of thousands of pounds of water above you, just this water pressure just pushing you further and further down, and it should absolutely collapse all of your limbs, but somehow your body is still intact, and you fall for what must be minutes, perhaps hours.
Tau
[SFX: Ethereal music.]
Tau
And finally, your feet slowly descend on the ocean floor, and you can't see anything. And then you feel a deep rumble through the ocean, as a massive limb seems to slide along the ground, next to you. Another impossibly deep echo just bellows through the depths of the ocean louder than any whale louder than any tectonic plate. Some other massive limbs slides on your other side. These two limbs seem to join six other limbs, in some massive dark form, in front of you.
Giancarlo
He waits.
Tau
Something in the darkness regards you, Rolf.
Giancarlo
And he continues waiting. He wait, he walks into the limbs.
Tau
Finally, the creature speaks to you with many voices and says (neutral tone but distorted) "How many realities must I construct before you finally say what it is you wish to say?"
Giancarlo
"What do you mean? What are you what what is this? Why Why are you doing this?"
Tau
"You ask yourself if you are out of place, but it is apparent that you are a failure no matter what reality I seem to put you in."
Giancarlo
"Where am I actually?" Where is he?"
Tau
"No place that matters. No place that will matter. I will consume this reality and I will consume you." And then a massive limb begins to wrap around you and engulfs you in the blackness.
[SFX: The music and water crescendos for a brief moment before cutting out.]
Tau
You are in a 30 by 30 aquare room and because you took the Ares boon, on the farthest right corner of the room, you are all positioned there. The Iris boon was in the closest bottom left corner. So that is where you first see some monsters appear. You see two Wretched Heretics.
[SFX: Woosh woosh.]
Tau
and two Skulltivators.
[SFX: Woosh woosh.]
Tau
Annie you are up, Rolf you are on deck.
Amanda
Annie would like to cast thunder wave on that little group.
[SFX: Dice clatters.]
Tau
So the Wretched Heretics get an eight, the Skulltivators get a five.
Amanda
Amazing. So they would all get hit for 2d8 thunder damage. And they are pushed 10 feet away from me and the damage is nine!
Nicholas
Add add the 4d...
Amanda
Plus... I.... want to call to Ares and say "Ares, grant me your damage, babey!"
Giancarlo
And your health.
Amanda
And add... what?
Giancarlo
And your health.
Nicholas
To regain health, four health.
Giancarlo
"And give that health baby!" Okay, great. 13 damage and thank you for the help.
Nicholas
From 6d8s? Total?
Amanda
6d8s?
Giancarlo
You get four additional d8s.
Amanda
Holy. Oh, I'm reading the wrong thing on my things. Thank you.
Tau
I have a feeling we're gonna pick Ares 100% of the time.
Amanda
Of course we are!
Tau
Let me tell you, Iris is not going down without a fight here.
Amanda
100% correct. Okay, so just so I get this correct. My thunder wave is just already 2d8. So I do...
Nicholas
Roll four more d8s.
Amanda
Okay, so that's 19! 19.
[SFX: Rhythmic music fades in.]
Tau
Ohhhh my god, okay. Okay, so first, everybody gets blown back, but they were already up against the wall. So they're kind of just like pushed into each other. So that's not a huge deal. However, you see the thick skull feature of the two Skulltivators shatters.
[SFX: Small booms.]
Tau
So they are now able to take damage. Furthermore, you blast the two Heretics as well. And each of them looks like they would die with a paper cut. You also get the sense that these are all tougher monsters than ones you faced in the past.
Amanda
That makes sense. Annie would like to run back to the group and let them know "I could totally be wrong, but Iris is clearly pissed off. So these guys are definitely going to be a little tougher than I think we think but we can do it! Go team."
Giancarlo
"Well I think we think that you think we can do it."
Amanda
"Ehhh, uh.... Uh huh! Go team! Okay."
Giancarlo
"Okay."
Amanda
And that would conclude Annie's turn.
Giancarlo
"Hey, have you ever seen what happens to bone when it's exposed to hydrochloric acid? I'm an alchemist, genius." And he's gonna draw the blood crystal on another acid splash and that is going to be a DC... ooo! I rolled a six so that's going to be a DC 20 dexterity saving throw for the Skulltivators.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
Okay, they get get a critical one plus four, which is a five, so they fail.
Giancarlo
All right, nothing too gross this time just kind of prepares a little ball of acid
[SFX: Small splashes.]
Giancarlo
and then like squeezes it, sending the different bursts flying in their direction. Qs he does 2d6 plus f4d6. So that's seven plus 10, 12, 17, 20 points of acid damage to them.
Tau
Oh, holy shit. Okay, yeah, so you see this acid fall on them and then as you do, you see these like red marks of doom hover over them and the power of Ares just smites them as well.
Giancarlo
"Thank ya, homeboy!"
Tau
And you get the sense that you did the exact amount of damage you need to do to take those bad boys out. So those Skulltivators vanish.
Michael
Arete is going to go ahead and, because they are within five feet of each other, do some sneak attack bidness. So Arete is gonna just oh so casually kind of like walk up to them, as if he's about to walk past them, and then he's going to draw La Voix and just absolutely stab the shit out of one of the Heretics. That would be 12.
Tau
You swing at this Heretic, you're very confident you're about to hit it. And then a flash of rainbow light
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
blinds you and you feel like you're making the attack at a disadvantage. So roll again.
Michael
The lowest result is a 13.
Tau
Okay, so you still hit.
Michael
Being blinded by the light of Iris, Arete puts his hope in Ares and calls out to him and says "Ares aid me in my strength and survivability," thrusts blindly where he last saw the Heretic and deals a total of 32 damage.
Tau
All right, so yeah, you slash into that Heretic.
[SFX: Metal shink.]
Tau
It goes (gasps) and it dies.
Michael
Arete, seeing that he completely obliterated the other Heretic, decides "You know what I'm gonna take it upon myself to do it again," and Arete will go ahead and do his second bonus attack with two weapon fighting, which is a 12.
Tau
Another flash of rainbow light catches your eye.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Michael
Arete, being blinded... oh, it's 12 again.
Tau
Okay, so you do land a hit.
Michael
And that does 22 damage.
[SFX: A gushing shink of metal into flesh.]
Tau
You needed to do one. So you do kill it. After this, what ends up happening is the entire ceiling above you becomes just this glimmering rainbow light everywhere and you are all struck with these prismatic rays. Everybody make a constitution saving throw. Arete, you are struck by an orange beam and what did you get on your...?
Michael
A 20 for my saving throw.
Tau
So you are struck in this orange beam of light and you feel like there was some kind of magic that was going to affect you but you shake it off. Then we have Rolf.
Giancarlo
I rolled a seven.
Tau
Okay. You are struck with a combination of all of the colors of the rainbow at once. You're struck with a white beam of light essentially.
[SFX: Dischordant ringing chime.]
Tau
And you are petrified. A petrified creature is transformed along with any non magical object it is wearing or carrying into a solid inanimate substance, usually stone. We're saying it's stone.
Giancarlo
(cries out)
Tau
Its weight increases by a factor of 10 and ceases aging. The creature is incapacitated, can't move or speak, and is unaware of its surroundings. Attack rolls against the creature have advantage. The creature automatically fails strength and dexterity saving throws. You have resistance to all damage and also immunity to poison and disease. So because it refers to incapacitated, I'm also just letting you know incapacitated means can't take actions or reactions.
Giancarlo
I would say Rolf screams but he can't.
Michael
"Oh no Rolf! Don't be so stoned faced."
Tau
Alexander, what did you get?
Nicholas
23.
Tau
You are struck by a green beam of light
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
and you feel like you're able to shake it off pretty fine. So you feel like there was some powerful magic coming over you but you were not affected by it. Annie, what did you get?
Amanda
A 13.
Tau
Annie you were also struck by an orange beam of light
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
and with the orange of light hits you, you are charmed.
Amanda
(gasps)
Tau
A charmed creature can't attack the charmer or target the charmer with harmful abilities or magical effects. In this case, the charmer is any hostile units.
Amanda
What!
Tau
Those creatures also have advantage on ability checks to socially interact with you, which they're not really going to do but it means you cannot attack or target them with harmful abilities or magical effects.
Amanda
So what can I do?
Tau
You tell me. That all happens.
Amanda
Oh nooo!
Tau
Now the baddies are up.
Michael
"What baddies? We destroyed them all."
Tau
So nothing happens this round. So Alexander, you're standing in an empty room, you've just watched all of this happen.
Nicholas
(laughs)
Michael
"Come on Alexander, pick up a sword and assist, won't ya?
Tau
If it helps you, on the top left corner of the room, you are seeing four more creatures beginning to materialize there.
Nicholas
Alexander, like, shields his eyes with his big ass shield I guess from the prism of green light. Runs over to Arete.
[SFX: Running footsteps.]
Nicholas
Put his hands on him to heal him for 10 points of health.
Michael
"Thanks."
Nicholas
And then he's going to dash over to where the creatures are beginning to materialize.
Tau
Now the round ends and some more monsters appear. In that corner, you see four Wretched Goons materialize.
[SFX: Intense wooshes and clinks.]
Tau
Annie it is your turn.
Amanda
Uhhhh.
Nicholas
So you can't attack enemies but you can still help friends?
Giancarlo
(singing) Inspiration!
Amanda
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. It's kind of like, Oh, I can tell! Ahhh! Annie's gonna go ahead and she's going to use bardic inspiration. She's going to grant it to Arete. So Arete, for 10 minutes you can add a 1d8 to an ability check, an attack roll, or a saving throw.
[SFX: The viol produces a few jaunty notes.]
Michael
Great.
Tau
Do you do anything else on your turn, Annie?
Amanda
Anni's gonna run over to Rolf. "Rol! Rolf, are you in there?" She's gonna be like, knock on it and "Rolf, can you hear me? Rooolf?"
[SFX: Knocking.]
Tau
Oh, so Annie, when it's the end of your turn, so it was a constitution save to kind of resist that really powerful beam but now that you're just kind of shaking off the magical effect you have to make a wisdom save.
Amanda
(sweetly) Okay. (aggressively) That's a 22 babey!
Tau
You're no longer charm.
Amanda
Yeah! Suck on that, orange haze! She doesn't say that, she doesn't, she would never say that. I'm so sorry. I'm just (breathes)
Tau
Rolf, it is your turn. You are stone so at the end of your turn, make a constitution saving throw.
Giancarlo
Deep within the stone any hears (muffled screaming).
Tau
(laughing) His lungs are slowly turning to stone.
Amanda
Yeah, awww.
Giancarlo
I have a plus five! And I rolled an 11.
Amanda
Damn,
Tau
Rolf, you are still stone.
Michael
Arete is going to go ahead and use deathshroud. There's a slight popping noise
[SFX: Pop!]
Michael
as Arete shimmers for a moment and is gone. And he is going to sneak next to the nearest Goon and he is going to draw La Voix,
[SFX: Metal shink.]
Michael
he's going to lick the blade, kiss it and say, "This has always brought me luck," as he thrusts it into the side going for some damage.
Tau
So the way that it works is you would normally roll with advantage because you'd have the invisibility from it. However, there's this prismatic light that shines from the Wretched Goon
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
and cancels out that advantage. So it's only a regular attack.
Amanda
You also have bardic inspiration.
Michael
(half singing) But I'm thinking I might need it for a saving throw.
Nicholas
I think we don't, I think we can't afford to miss.
Michael
(still half singing) Okay, so I'm gonna use it.
[SFX: Ding!]
Michael
(deadpan) Great. Add one to the eight.
Nicholas
(laughs)
Giancarlo
Alriiight!
Michael
Yeah.
Tau
You do stab into the Wretched Goon but as he seems so thick, T-H-I-C-C,
Michael
Absolutely.
Tau
That it goes into him like jelly and comes right back out.
[SFX: Bounce.]
Michael
Seeing how thicc this Goon is, Arete kind of blushes at his thiccness
Tau
He goes (deep voice) "Oooh?"
Michael
Arete is going to, in silent contemplation, think about his life choices for the rest of the round.
Tau
Baddies are up. So you've got four Wretched Goons here. They're all going to try to hit you. Two of them are going to try to hit Arete. Two of them are going to try to hit Alexander.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
One Wretched Goon is going to swing at you, Arete. It gets a 16.
Michael
It hits.
Tau
Okay it deals six bludgeoning damage.
[SFX: Smack!]
Tau
Another Wretched Goon is gonna hit you. It only gets a 10.
Michael
That does not hit.
Tau
The other Wretched Goons were about to attack Alexander but they see one of them landed a hit on us so they go over to help those Wretched Goons. The other two are also going to try to attack you, Arete.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
This one gets a 12.
Michael
That does not hit.
Tau
And this one gets a 17.
Michael
That does hit.
Tau
Okay you take six bludgeoning damage.
[SFX: Thwack!]
Michael
I'm gonna go ahead and use one of my reactions to perform an uncanny dodge and when an attack that I can see hits me with an attack, I can use the reaction to halve the attacks damage against me
Tau
Nice.
Michael
So that would be three instead?
Tau
Yeah, what does it sound like when you uncanny dodge?
Michael
I pull out a can opener and I remove the top of a can of baked beans and I throw them in the air and I have uncanned the beans, that's an uncanny dodge (laughs) I'm sorry. (laughs and hiccups)
Tau
Ten more beams of rainbow light strike you immediately.
[SFX: Twangy chime.]
Nicholas
(laughs)
Michael
(laughs) Um. Arete, kinda having now been--
Giancarlo
No no no, that's canon.
Michael
Oh that's canon now?
Tau
You could say it's... uncanon.
Michael
(laughs)
Tau
So that happens. Alexander you are up and Annie you're on deck.
Nicholas
I'm gonna stab a Goon in the back.
Tau
Oh oh oh, I am so so sorry. I completely missed a very important thing that happens.
Michael
We have to do saving throws now.
Tau
Yeah, so tons of beams of rainbow light strike everybody. So everybody make constitution saving throws.
Tau
Fuck offfffff.
Giancarlo
(yells) What is wrong with Rolf!?
Michael
That's good. That's good enough. Yeah.
Giancarlo
Hopefully.
Michael
It's the highest of everybody's roles so it better be good!
Tau
Alexander you were struck by a red beam of light. What was your con save, 13?
Nicholas
Yeah.
Tau
Okay. You take 17 force damage.
Nicholas
Fuuuck.
Tau
Rolf, you got a 13?
Giancarlo
Yes.
Tau
You're struck by another beam of the petrifying light,
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
So you're fine.
Giancarlo
Wait!
Tau
Annie, what did you get?
Amanda
Annie got a 16.
Tau
You are struck by the red beam of light as well.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
However, you only take half of this damage.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
So you take half of nine, so four.
Amanda
Thank you, I guess.
Tau
(sarcastic) I mean, do you want to take the full? I think we ca--
Amanda
No, no!
Tau
Alright, okay.
Amanda
Thank you so much!
Michael
Arete would like to take the full though.
Tau
Ummmm okay. Arete, you were hit by the orange beam of light.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
You shake it off.
Michael
We love to see it.
Tau
Because you got to 17 right?
Michael
Sure did.
Tau
Okay, so Alexander, it's your turn.
Michael
Arete keeps feeling this tickle at the end of each round in his stomach. And he doesn't quite understand why.
Giancarlo
You see when you get to be this age, Arete, things start to change.
Tau
I'm sure it's the first time he's ever felt a tickle in his stomach. Alexander.
Amanda
(sings) Alexander.
Giancarlo
(singing) It's good to see you die.
Nicholas
(sighs) Well, I'm going to stab one in the back. 17.
Tau
A flash of rainbow light hits you.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Nicholas
Okay, thank you. And then that was 18. So 17.
Tau
Right, you still hit.
Nicholas
Now we play. With Ares guiding his hand, Alexander does 41 damage to the...
Michael
The Goonie?
Nicholas
The doof, the Goon.
Tau
You see this deathly red glow surround your sword that you feel just kind of this wicked energy coming from it as this like feeling of blood thirst washes over you that you haven't felt since you were living. But you swipe into the first Wretched Goon and you feel like where your blade should stop, it just keeps going and it slashes into the second Wretched Goon and both of them are bisected
[SFX: A wet slash.]
Tau
and disintegrate.
Amanda
Woah.
Nicholas
Okay, so can I use my extra attack on the other two, I guess?
Tau
Yeah.
Nicholas
Alright. Let's see if these work. Well. That's a 12.
Tau
Thiccums boy bounces it off.
[SFX: Bouncy sproing.]
Nicholas
Okay, I will stand by Arete to fight the Goons.
Amanda
Since Annie has just been trying to attend to Rolf best that she can anyway, Annie now is going to grant bardic inspiration to Rolf to hopefully assist him next time he has to roll a saving throw. So Annie's just gonna like knock on the stone again, just be like "Rolf? I really, I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I'm gonna I'm gonna play something on my viol really quickly. Just like something really short just just for (whispers) just for you. Okay, I shouldn't whisper you won't. It's not you. Okay." And then Annie's gonna pull out her viol, play a sweet little tune.
[SFX: A bright, sweet little tune.]
Amanda
So yeah. Rolf when you roll next time. Good. Good luck. You get to add a d8 to it. And I sure hope it's a it's a good roll, buddy.
Giancarlo
I'm proficient in constitution and I've not rolled above 13.
Tau
Well, Rolf it is your turn now you are stone. Please make a constitution saving throw.
Giancarlo
Rolf hears the music and from within the statue, you hear a very muffled rendition of "Made of Stone".
Amanda
Oh my gosh.
Giancarlo
As he rolls in frickin-- Okay, he rolls a 15 plus two, 17.
Tau
The stone begins to crumble away from you.
[SFX: The stone crackles and clinks and crumbles.]
Tau
As you are now flesh once more.
Giancarlo
(coughs)
Amanda
"Rolf! Welcome back!"
Nicholas
"Ya got rock lung?"
Giancarlo
"There's dust in my throat!" (coughs and hacks)
Amanda
Okay.
Michael
We've got two Goons left, correct?
Tau
Yep.
Michael
Wonderful. And because Alexander is there now, I can successfully do some sneak attack damage. He ha.
Nicholas
Yee haw.
Michael
I'm assuming that after Alexander's attack on the Goon that is before him, the Goon has given him his undivided attention. So Arete will take this opportunity, seeing his back turned, and attempt to stab that Goon in the back.
Tau
Okay.
Michael
And that's a natural 20!
Tau
Nice So that's a crit. Remember when you crit, you're also doubling your Ares boon damaged.
Michael
Ooo.
Tau
Oh, wait, hang on. Oh, I'm so sorry. A flash of rainbow light hits you.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
Roll with disadvantage.
Michael
Well, because I was doing the sneak attack, I would've had advantage so that means that this is just the base roll, right?
Tau
Uh huh.
Michael
Because that, yeah.
Nicholas
Ohh. So you roll 10 die holy fuck.
Giancarlo
Oh my god.
Michael
Okay, so that's 18d6. We'll see what happens here.
Tau
I hope you roll 18 ones.
Michael
Okay, so that's gonna be 57.
Nicholas
Yes!
Michael
Actually 58 because part of La Voix gives you plus one to damage. Not that I need it. But just to make sure that everything's copacetic there and I'm gonna say that as I stab this Goon in the back, Arete's gonna whisper into the Goon's ear "That's right, ya little punk. Take it."
Giancarlo
(joking) The sword comes through the screen and stabs Tau Zaman.
Tau
God, I fucking wish. Okay. Arete, you are stabbing into this viewed and as you do you feel Ares's deathly red mark emanating from your blade and you see all of the needles going into the doll of the hilt of your blade are now cutting into your skin as you just jam it into this Wretched Goon.
[SFX: Wet shink of metal into flesh.]
Tau
And when you do that, the doll lights up in your hand and you see the Wretched Goon immediately next to it also take the exact same blow so that damage is split across the two of them and the two of them are obliterated. They just go (groans)
[SFX: Splatter.]
Tau
I don't know fall over and die? I don't know.
Michael
"Have fun in hell boys. Even though we're already here."
Tau
Now everybody make constitution saving throws as the aurora borealis just drops on y'all.
Giancarlo
I swear to fucking god if I get petrified again, I'm dropping out. (sighs dramatically)
Nicholas
I actually might die.
Giancarlo
"Well."
Giancarlo
I'm really doing well on these constitution saving throws (laughs).
Giancarlo
I keep rolling freaking eights. That's a thirteen.
Tau
Arete, you are struck by an orange beam,
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
you shake off its energy.
Michael
(shivers and shakes)
Tau
Anastasia, you are struck by a violet beam of energy
[SFX: A slightly deeper ringing chime.]
Tau
and you shake off its effect whatever it is.
Amanda
"Oh, that's so pretty."
Tau
Alexander, you are struck by a green beam of energy
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
and you are frightened. So the way frightened works is a frightened creature has disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while the source of its fear is within line of sight. The source of fear for you is any hostile targets. The creature can't willingly move closer to the source of its fear, which again is all hostile targets. And then Rolf you are struck....
[SFX: Dice rolls. Tau pauses.]
Giancarlo
Do it, do it.
Tau
I am not even making this up. Hang on, I have to make sure. So I swear to God, I rolled an eight again.
Giancarlo
(cries out) This time he gets a scream out as his feet start to turn back into stone just as they were going away and it goes (yells).
Tau
Now what ends up happening is you see 10 square tiles in front of you lighting up from the bottom right of the room.
[SFX: Wooshes.]
Tau
So they're lining up in a long rectangle relating basically up to where you guys are standing at the top right, Rolf and Annie. And a little bit along the south end of the room so you see 10 tiles beginning to light up.
Nicholas
I just see tiles?
Tau
Yeah as in monsters are going to be summoned there at the end of the round.
Nicholas
Groovy.
Michael
Excuse me? 10?
Amanda
(singing) That's a lot of tiles.
Nicholas
Then for now, Alexander's going to cast shield of faith, shimmering field appears and surrounds a creature of your choice within range, granting a plus two bonus to AC for the duration. Duration is concentration up to 10 minutes.
Tau
You want to try calling on Iris?
Tau
Would it work?
Tau
It will guarantee work no matter what, right, because it's your ability, it says you do this thing and that's what happens.
Nicholas
"Iris I wish to fight you on a fair playing field. (laughing) Grant me plus two AC."
Tau
Alright. You hear a voice ring from the heavens saying (high and bright and mocking) "Oh, are you feeling the burn? Want me to get you an appointment for it?"
Giancarlo
(laughs)
Amanda
Damn!
Tau
You do get the AC but you hear that voice calling from above.
Nicholas
This is some sassy ointment.
Michael
So that's who Iris voted for in the primaries.
Amanda
I want that on a sticker.
Giancarlo
I want that on my ointment.
Tau
I thought you said you want that on a stick. And I was like yeah, I guess I mean.
Nicholas
That was just a bonus action, wasn't it? Alright, I'm going to use cure wounds to heal as well. And that should be a full action. And that is 10 health. And also Asclepius, you get in here and hit me up.
Tau
And rub my feet to spectral snakes of Asclepius wrap around your wounds. So the round ends. Annie, you are up at the start of your turn. You see in the square of four tiles south of you, four Wretched Goons appear.
[SFX: Wooshes.]
Tau
On the square of four tiles beyond that, so at the very south right corner of the room, you see four Wretched Heretics appear.
[SFX: Wooshes.]
Tau
And then two Skulltivators appear to their left.
[SFX: Wooshes.]
Tau
So on the south edge of the room essentially. We've got four Wretched Heretics, four Wretched Goons, two Skulltivators.
Amanda
Good gods, okay. "I'm getting really tired of this man. (sighs)" Annie would like to cast thunderclap.
Tau
You run right into the fray. You are surrounded by two Wretched Goons, a Wretched Heretic and a Skulltivator. You unleash a thunderclap and now four units have to make constitution saving throws.
[SFX: Rolls dice.]
Tau
Skulltivator... all of them fail.
Amanda
"Yes! That's great news!" And so Annie (laughs) they all take 2d6, thunder damage.
Tau
Plus Ares damage.
Amanda
(singing) Plus Ares damage. (speaking) Alright, that's a total of 20 thunder damage.
Tau
God damn. So one of the Heretics explodes.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Tau
Two of the Wretched Goons explode.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Tau
And the Skulltivator, one of its thick skulls vanishes. Now it is able to take damage.
Amanda
So run towards where Arete and Alex are. And she'll also mention, "Hey, I don't know if we can do, I can't I I can't I can't carry it by myself. But if we if if one of you or maybe both of you can go and grab Rolf statue and just like push him into a corner, that would that, I think he would appreciate that."
Tau
He's basically at a corner.
Amanda
"Okay, well you know just like away from danger because there's really not much he can do at the moment. Oh, it was just a thought. Okay."
Nicholas
"Maybe Arete, you can hide behind him."
Michael
I was also thinking about that.
Tau
Mmm. Okay, he is very tall. Rolf is your turn, Arete you are on deck.
Giancarlo
Rolf rolls a dexterity saving throw and rolls a one for a total of five, so he does nothing.
Tau
Well, it's a constitution saving throw.
Giancarlo
Oh shit. He rolls a constitution saving throw. He rolls a four! For a total of nine so he stays where he is.
Tau
He is still stone. Sorry about it. Arete, it is your turn.
Nicholas
"Stay with me when the ceiling opens up to get a plus four on your saving throw."
Michael
I'm going to go ahead and use my other deathshroud. So Arete shimmers and with a slight pop, he disappears.
[SFX: Pop.]
Michael
And he is going to creep up to the Goon that is 10 feet away from him. So Arete, invisible, lays down between the legs of this Goon, draws La Voix, and thrusts upward into the genitalia of the Goon above him.
Tau
Oh my goodness. Okay, well it's still a regular attack right because you're doing with advantage. Iris is going to be staring at you like, what the fuck? So he is a thiccums boy even down there so your blade bounces off with a nine.
[SFX: Sproingy bounce.]
Michael
So Arete, seeing the thiccness yet again, blushes an even deeper shade of red and then Arete's going to attempt to hide behind statue Rolf.
Giancarlo
I could still take damage!
Tau
You draw an opportunity attack when that happens.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
He gets a nine.
Michael
That does not hit.
Tau
Okay.Yeah, so you go hide behind Rolf.
Michael
And my stealth check roll for that is an 18.
Tau
Alright, the sky opens up again. As beams of prismatic light rain down on you, everybody make constitution saving throws.
Amanda
(Groans)
Nicholas
Add four, Annie.
Amanda
(gasps) Okay! Okay. That's a 14 for Annie.
Giancarlo
21!
Michael
Look at you go Rolf. 20.
Nicholas
20.
Tau
Okay, raise a prismatic late strike everybody. Arete, a you're struck by a yellow beam of light.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
You shake it off. Rolf, you were struck by a violet beam of light and you shrug it off.
[SFX: Deeper ringing chime.]
Giancarlo
I don't know how I shrugged. But okay.
Amanda
(laughs)
Tau
Yeah. Alexander, you're struck by a yellow beam of light as well.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
It does nothing to you, Annie. You are struck by a red beam of light.
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
You take 15 force damage.
Giancarlo
(lurches)
Amanda
Hoo! Oh my god.
Tau
The three Wretched Heretics are going to unleash an absolutely terrifying volley of magical energy at all of you. So each of them fires three bolts of energy at you. Each of you takes nine of these.
[SFX: Quickfire whooshes as they whip through the air.]
Tau
They function like magic missile and so they don't really have rolls attached to them. So it's 9d4 plus nine.
Nicholas
Oh, so we die.
Tau
No, it's d4s, come on.
Amanda
(breathy) 9d4? Plus nine? That's so much.
Giancarlo
It will, on average, be about 27.
Nicholas
Yeah, someone's gonna die actually.
Amanda
I might die.
Tau
So 25 plus nine is 34.
Amanda
(gasps)
Michael
Goodbye!
Tau
These Wretched Heretics were just waiting for this chance. So they unleash this volley and it goes boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! As they just hammer into ya'll, dealing 34 force damage.
Michael
As Arete dies, he shouts to the universe, "I am still unclear on the mechanics of magic missile," and he just bursts into a cloud and puddle of blood.
[SFX: A wet explosion.]
Tau
Alright, that happens. Has everybody else subtracted their damage?
Giancarlo
Yep.
Nicholas
Yes.
Amanda
Yeah.
Tau
Okay. That's what the Wretched Heretics do. The Wretched Goons are gonna attempt to attack.
Amanda
Son of a biscuit!
Tau
Alexander... they're gonna try to attack you. Crits.
Nicholas
20?
Tau
Yep, nat 20.
Nicholas
Wow.
Tau
So you take 12 bludgeoning damage.
Nicholas
The club comes down on Alexander
[SFX: Thunk.]
Nicholas
and when they raised the club there is nothing left.
Amanda
(gasps) No!!! Noooo.
Giancarlo
Rolf is now a beautiful red statue.
Tau
The next Wretched Goon is going to try to attack Annie. It gets a 12, does that hit?
Amanda
Yes, I mean, yes.
Tau
Okay, so it does six bludgeoning damage.
[SFX: We thunk.]
Amanda
Nooo. I have five health, noooo.
Tau
So Annie does something happened to you?
Nicholas
She died.
Amanda
Yeah, Annie's dead.
[SFX: A wet explosion.]
Tau
Alright. It smashes you into the ground and you just seem to assimilate into a pool of blood on the ground.
Amanda
Blahhh.
Tau
Two Skulltivators are going to come at you, Rolf. They have advantage on these attacks because you're stone, right?
Giancarlo
Yeah.
Tau
Okay. So the first one gets a 16.
Giancarlo
That hits.
Tau
It deals six damage total. So one piercing, five fire but we're cutting it in half. So it's dealing only one piercing, two fire from that attack.
[SFX: A crack in the stone.]
Giancarlo
My shoulder falls off.
Tau
I rolled very badly on that one. So the second Skulltivator doesn't do anything. A new round begins. Annie is not there, Rolf. It is your turn.
Giancarlo
I'm going to roll a constitution saving throw and stay petrified. Let's see. That's a nine, so I stay... a statue.
Tau
You're still stone. The Skulltivators are gonna attack you with advantage, 25 hits?
Giancarlo
Absolutely it does, yeah.
Tau
Okay, so you take three damage.
[SFX: Boney chomp.]
Tau
Because you're you take half the next one is gonna try to hit you. 24. You take three damage again. Okay it is your turn.
Giancarlo
I roll another con save and.... 13 plus five, 18.
Tau
You are unstoned.
[SFX: The stone crumbles away.]
Giancarlo
Beautiful now I take normal damage. Let's see what happens.
Tau
Oh, I didn't even roll the attacks for the Goons, right? I didn't realize they were still alive. The Goons are hanging out. They are gonna attack this turn though. So they don't have advantage anymore so that one only gets a... 10. That doesn't hit you.
Giancarlo
Nope.
Tau
Second Goon attacks he gets a 23.
Giancarlo
That hits.
Tau
He deals six bludgeoning.
[SFX: Wet thunk.]
Tau
Two Skulltivators attack. Critical fail and a 12.
Giancarlo
That hits.
Tau
They deal one piercing, five fire.
[SFX: Boney chomp.]
Giancarlo
Okay, and at eight hit points, Rolf is gonna go "You know what, fuck all of you, like fuck you to hell," and he's gonna cast melts minute meteors.
[SFX: Powerful woosh of magic.]
Tau
Nice.
Giancarlo
And with that he's gonna go "And you know what I'm going to use a frickin blood crystal too! So roll a frickin dexterity save."
Tau
Okay.
Giancarlo
"With a DC of 18."
Amanda
This man who's losing, he's just lost it.
Nicholas
I haven't seen this since the chain devils.
Amanda
(laughing) I know!
Giancarlo
(enthusiastic with a little attitude) I create six tiny meteors in my space. They float in the air and orbit me for the spells duration. When I cast the spell, and as a bonus action on each of my turns thereafter, I can expend one or two of the meteors, sending them streaking toward a point or points I choose within 120 feet of me. That's the whole room baby.
Tau
(laughs) Alright.
Giancarlo
Once a meteor reaches its destination or impacts against a solid surface, so it doesn't even have to hit them, the meteor explodes. Each creature within five feet of the point where the meteor explodes must make a dexterity saving throw. A creature takes 2d6 fire dama-- godammit, fire damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. (loses steam) Shit. That was dumb. Oh God, okay, I can hurt the other people though. Not the little skull shits. (sighs)
Tau
Okay, so what do I need to do?
Giancarlo
So who's left in the room right now?
Tau
You have three Heretics, two Wretched Goons, two Skulltivators.
Giancarlo
I'm gonna throw one meteor at the Wretched Goons and another one at the Wretched Heretics or are they all within five feet of each other?
Tau
The goons and the Heretics are definitely within five feet, yeah.
Giancarlo
Okay, so both the Goons and the Heretics have to roll a saving throw and they have to beat an 18 dexterity.
[SFX: Dice rolls.]
Tau
They get a nine and a 16.
Giancarlo
(slightly unhinged) Okay, so they all get fucked up.
Tau
Okay.
Giancarlo
Let's see. So that's 2d6. "Ares! Help me send these bitches back down to hell!" And that's going to be 6d6 damage. So that is 10 plus 15, 18, 24, 29 damage to all of them. And for each instance of damage, I regain four hit points. So I regain eight hit points as well. "And you can leave me the hell alone, please. Thank you."
Tau
One of the meteors will basically break the thick skull on the other Skulltivator. So that one will be standing but everybody else gets absolutely obliterated.
[SFX: A torrent of wet explosions.]
Tau
They're gone. So it is you versus the Skulltivator.
Giancarlo
Beautiful.
Tau
The sky opens up.
Giancarlo
Jesus fuck, okay.
Tau
Make a constitution saving throw.
Giancarlo
Please. I rolled a 13 plus five is an 18.
Tau
Hell yeah. Okay. Yeah, you get struck by a green beam
[SFX: Ringing chime.]
Tau
and you shake it off. It's a beam that would frighten you and you are too mad to be frightened.
Giancarlo
"Iris! I thought we were cool, homie. (dramtically sighs)"
Tau
That Skulltivator is gonna come at you. He's mad. He is gonna naw. He gets a 13.
Giancarlo
That hits.
Tau
Okay, so that is one piercing, five fire.
[SFX: Chomp.]
Giancarlo
Okay, and now. "Hey, buddy!" I'm just I'm gonna stare at the head.
Tau
It goes (goatlike cackle).
Giancarlo
And just spit at it with acid splash, using another blood crystal. I'm gonna use my ability to recall the expended crystal and then reinfuse it into that spit as I shove it right in it's stupid face. It has to roll a 19 or higher dexterity saving throw.
Tau
I don't know that it can... It gets an 18
Giancarlo
HaHA! And then I do...ooo 24 acid damage.
Tau
That acid just corrodes into it and you hear Ares laughing wickedly like "ohahaha" and as it disintegrates, when that happens, the air fills with mist and you hear the sound of waterfalls again. And you hear a voice ring out in your ears, Rolf, and it says, "You know, a great bard one sang, 'It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise that moves us along.' Wouldn't you agree?" Roll a d4.
Giancarlo
Three.
Tau
Okay, you're going to get an epic Iris boon. So you have power, survivability, or utility.
Amanda
Hey, can I just ask, um, was that Maroon Five?
Tau
Yes..
Amanda
That you di-- okay, thank you just needed to confirm. (laughs)
Tau
That was like my AIM away message for so long. With like the different fonts and shit.
Amanda
(laughing) Yeah that's so good.
Giancarlo
Power, survivability, or utility. "Considering it's just me by myself, I really wanted to select utility but I need to screw some people up because I'm mad now so give me that survivability let's see how far I get."
Tau
Okay so you already know what the Iris survivability boon is. So when you were attacked you may expend your reaction to impose a shimmering shield of prismatic light between you and your attacker, conferring disadvantage on the attack. Furthermore, you gain plus three AC when you use it.
Giancarlo
Alright.
Tau
Iris, very satisfied with herself but impressed, very impressed, also fades away as the sounds of waterfalls pass and the room clears in mist. Rolf, you see one gate with a Cthonic key on it. But you see a question mark under it.
Giancarlo
Through gritted teeth, Rolf says "Thank you, Iris," and goes and presses the bubble and jumps into the portal headfirst and pissed.
[SFX: Metal scrape then portal woosh.]
Tau
You enter a circular room covered from ceiling to floor in ruby tiles. The smell of rose water fills the air on the pedestal you see a jeweled staff that is covered in gold filigree, whirling on its axis.
Giancarlo
Well, that looks pretty tight. I'm gonna walk out to it, hold my hand out and say "Whoever is here to challenge me and see if I am worthy. Please present yourself. I'm up for the challenge."
[SFX: Plucking string music fades in.]
Tau
(a deep growling voice) "My old friend. It is excellent to see you again." As a Sphinx drops down next to you.
Giancarlo
"Enigmatos buddy! How are you?"
Tau
"I am well, how are you?"
Giancarlo
"Well, I'm, I've been I've been better but you know what? I'm feeling so good now that I get to see you, friend."
Tau
"Where are your compatriots?"
Giancarlo
"I'm afraid they have been felled in battle. I am avenging them."
Tau
"That is most unfortunate."
Giancarlo
"So I'm assuming I have to prove I'm worthy to retrieve this staff. Am I right? Enigmatos."
Tau
"Of course, I mean I already know that you were worthy of the previous arm but perhaps you are also worthy of this one."
Giancarlo
"Well, it would be a lovely surprise. I'm open to hearing whatever you have ready for me. I'm quite excited, actually. You're so lovely, Enigmatos."
Tau
"I don't know how to respond to that. But okay. Are you ready for your riddle?"
Giancarlo
"Let's hear it."
Tau
Nobody can help Rolf with this riddle.
Giancarlo
Fuck me.
Tau
You have to do this on your own.
Amanda
I figured as much, sorry bud.
Michael
I also figured as much. I was like, I don't think the ghostly voice of Arete can echo through the through Tartarus on this anymore.
Giancarlo
Yeah, on paper I'm smart but I am the dumbest member of this group in real life.
Amanda
(laughs)
Tau
"On four it stands, yet from it four hang. Forged from Daedalus's careful measure came Pasiphae's shameful pleasure. What am I?"
Giancarlo
Pasiphae's... shameful... pleasure. Hm. Can I roll history?
Tau
Yeah, you can roll history.
Giancarlo
Here we go. I rolled a two plus three. That's a five.
Tau
Okay. Pasiphae sounds like a name you've heard before. You've, you recognize Daedalus that sounds familiar.
Giancarlo
Yes, of course.
Tau
I mean what you know about Deedalus, he was a very fine craftsman he used to craft things.
Giancarlo
Yeah, "'On four it stands', that's obviously a table or a bed or something with legs of course. Oh wait, that might be the Trojan horse. 'Yet from it four hang.' Did people hang from the Trojan horse? Um. Did Daedalus make the Trojan horse? I don't know. Can I hear that one more time Enigmatos buddy before you howl me to death?"
Tau
"On four it stands, yet from it four hang. Forged from Daedalus's careful measure came Pasiphae's shameful pleasure. What is it?"
Giancarlo
"Shameful pleasure? Is it a sex thing? Um. I have a feeling that somewhere out there God is making a face and not even a little bit so maybe. On floor it stands so four legs have some sort of right so it could be a creature, a table, a bed. Yet four hang? What could hang from it? It could be a tablecloth, perhaps. Some bedsheets? Bodies? I doubt it's like um, I don't know what you call you know those things where you hang people? A gallows? I don't recall any stories about Daedalus. You know what? Fuck it. Okay. I'm going to be very sad if I'm wrong and I have a feeling I am wrong. But my answer is the Trojan horse.
Tau
The Sphinx roars.
[SFX: Lion roar.]
Tau
Make a wisdom saving throw.
Giancarlo
I am kind of wise. It's a 17.
Tau
You do not succeed.
Giancarlo
Okay.
Tau
You are very frightened for one minute. He says "Incorrect." But I mean, that's all that happened.
Giancarlo
Oh.
Tau
So you can still keep guessing if you want.
Giancarlo
Shit, but I'm not gonna kill myself. I don't want to give up but can I roll religion? Um, to see if I'm aware of the holy deeds of Daedalus? Or the other person, the one with the P.
Tau
Yeah, so I'm gonna say this is more drawing on your knowledge of Pasiphae. Yeah, so roll religion.
Giancarlo
Okay. Pasiphae Let's see, I think I read a book about Pasiphae somewhere. I rolled a 13.
Tau
So you know that Pasiphae was a daughter of Helios, the sun god. You are familiar with the story in which she basically had this curse placed on her and she was so overcome with lust for this bull that she had Daedalus craft something for her so that she could mate with it.
Giancarlo
It WAS sex thing. Is it what is it like one of the sex swings where you tie someone up? You know the leg?
Tau
I think the answer is very deducible from here. That's all I'm gonna say.
Giancarlo
Mate with a bull. Oh boy. Okay, good thing Annie's not here. Let's see so to mate with a bull... so the main problems we're seeing is that oh! No no wait the iron bull was to kill people not to fuck bulls. Um. On four it stands yet from it four hang. One more time Enigmatos? Hit me with that those fresh beats."
Tau
"On four legs it stands yet from it four hang. Forged from Daedalus's careful measure came Pasiphae's shameful pleasure. What is it?"
Giancarlo
Oh, maybe it's not the thing itself maybe it's the pleasure. Is that what the riddles asking? No I'm reading into it too much. Um, on four its it could be the iron bull I don't know if you want to mate with it like again I'm thinking the sex swing, you know, too. But you would have to support the bull's weight so it couldn't crush her, right? Uh. Screw it okay. I'm a little scared of you now, buddy, in a very um, uh, flattering way. Good. Nice roar there. Very impressive. Yeah, the the Iron Bull. Steel bull? Bronze bull.
Tau
The Sphinx is going to roar again. Make a wisdom saving throw.
[SFX: Roar.]
Giancarlo
It's a 13 this time.
Tau
Okay. You are deafened and frightened. So now here's what happens because you're deaf and you actually can't hear what the Sphinx says after. So look at my mouth.
Giancarlo
(sounding out what Tau is mouthing) Fairy lows. Very lows very large. Very...
Tau
(laughing) Make an intelligence check.
Michael
(cringing) Oh my god.
Giancarlo
Let's see if drunk Carlo has high enough intelligence since he's an idiot.
Michael
Oh my god.
Giancarlo
That's a nine!
Amanda
I'm I I'm suffering. I want you to know that I'm suffering.
Michael
I am right there with you girl.
Amanda
(laughing) I figured you were.
Tau
So you are frightened. You are deaf and you can't even hear yourself but that's where you're at.
Giancarlo
Let's see "fairy lows". I'm going to look at my own mouth in the camera as I say it to see if anything different comes out.
Tau
Oh sorry you were also paralyzed. So I'm gonna say you can only you can only move your mouth for this.
Giancarlo
Rolf is just chillin on the ground. Thinking this over "very low" but a very low sex swing. "Fairy. Toe. Marry... Tau Zama-. Marry Tau Zaman! Um Veritos. Veritas. Oh, your eyes lit up! Your eyes lit up! Fair toes? Bull toe--"
Tau
Don't look at Michael, don't look don't look at him.
Giancarlo
(laughs) I want to die.
Michael
I'm just staring at him to bring him shame.
Giancarlo
I'm norse, leave me alone. I don't know any of this shit. "Berry toes. Berry bowls. Glary Those. Garridos, the Pokemon? Marry pose?"
Tau
Is that your guess?
Giancarlo
No, it's not. We repose. le o v for pools? Very moes. Goes.
Tau
Okay, to be clear. He's not he didn't tell you the answer after roaring at you. So if you remember after the first roar, he told you incorrect. Uh huh. So after the second roar he says--
Giancarlo
Very close!
Michael
(cackling) Jesus christ, give me strength. Ahhh.
Giancarlo
I don't know how. Okay, real talk. I can't read lips at all.
Tau
That's okay.
Michael
We could tell, I could tell.
Tau
Gary dos.
Michael
I was like, I do not want to see you ever have to go on Jimmy Fallon and play that game where you have to put the headphones on and like try to read the lips of Jimmy Fallon as he says a phrase. Geez Louise.
Tau
Oh, whoops. That was the next game show room. Sorry. Okay, very close.
Giancarlo
It's not the iron bull. It wasn't the steel bull, bronze bull, the the fucking bull? The human bull? The... or maybe it's iron something iron sex swing? Mm. Now that I know that, it's like I was very close. Could I do a history again?
Tau
Sure. But tell me what you're doing differently this time with your history.
Giancarlo
I suppose I'm trying to dig deeper in the terms of bull, something related to bull.
Tau
Okay.
Giancarlo
Now that I have the knowledge of the mating thing, that's a 13 again.
Tau
Okay, so ask yourself this can a bull mate with a bull?
Giancarlo
The iron cow!
Tau
Ummm.
Giancarlo
Iron Maiden like the band?
Amanda
I'm gonna vomit.
Tau
As God, I have to think about this for a second. (laughs)
Amanda
I'm going to vomit right here. Right now.
Giancarlo
I'm broad.
Amanda
I am going to die.
Tau
The Sphinx is going to roar again.
[SFX: Roar.]
Tau
But this time your hearing comes back. And you hear "Fucking close enough, I guess!"
Tau & Players
(laugh)
Tau
(deep breath) Oh my God. As he does this, you see a magnificent feast of food and drink in front of you.
Giancarlo
Oh, wonderful!
Tau
A Cthonic key appears.
Giancarlo
"I didn't know you gave consolation prizes, Enigmatos. It's been a rough day."
[SFX: Glimmering chime.]
Tau
He brings out that feast in front of you. There's the Cthonic key, there is still that beautiful gem gold filigree staff.
Giancarlo
I'm going to go grab the staff and I'm going to say "Enigmatos Would you care to feast with me?"
Tau
"I could really use one after that. So, fine."
Giancarlo
"I'm so sorry. I- listen, I'm doing my best. I don't know if you're aware of I'm an Outlander. So I'm doing my best to assimilate into the Grecian culture but it's taking me a second. You guys have a lot of stories."
Tau
"Oh just a few."
Giancarlo
"Um, may I ask what was the exact answer you were looking for?"
Michael
Wooden cow.
Tau
"I would have accepted just cow but you went into describing the actual material of the cow which was incorrect. It was a wooden cow even though cow was the correct answer. So because you said cow. I'm just I'm just I'm just gonna take it. Okay."
Giancarlo
"Well, I appreciate your your forgetful nature. Oh my goodness. This is pheasant is delicious. Anyways, so like, what's your deal? Enigmatos, like why are you here? What's up? Do you have any tips for me as I continue on this journey?"
Tau
"I have a sacred charge to protect."
Giancarlo
"That's right. That's right."
Tau
"The legendary treasures. That is my deal."
Giancarlo
"auYou have any tips for an old man trying to survive on his own?"
Tau
"I would say no one survives on their own."
Giancarlo
"That's fair. You want to place a bet to see how far I get?"
Tau
"No."
Giancarlo
"Okay. Well enjoy. What's your favorite food, Enigmatos?"
Tau
"I'm rather fond of the Minotaur cheese over here."
Giancarlo
"Ah, how do you like, do you like nectar?"
Tau
"Ah, I think I am rather fond of nectar but there's plenty here."
Giancarlo
"Okay. All right. Fine. I mean, I was going to offer but yeah, you're right there is some on the table. So all right." And I feast.
Tau
Okay, it takes an hour to consume and it disappears at the end of that time. You gain several benefits. You're cured of all diseases and poison, you become immune to being frightened, you make all wisdom saving throws with advantage.
[SFX: Rolls dice.]
Tau
You gain 10 hit points and your hit point maximum increases by that much and you have this benefit basically until you die. And also you have this magnificent staff.
Giancarlo
Is there anything I can deduce just from looking at it or am I going to have to wait a little longer?
Tau
Make an arcana check.ian
Giancarlo
17?
Tau
Oh, okay. You recognize the name of the staff to be Ruyi Jingu Bang.
Giancarlo
Nice.
Tau
And even though it is a staff It is called Ruyi Jingu Bang, the ring of gold.
Giancarlo
Ah.
Tau
What you know is that this was a legendary weapon in a very famous tale called "Journey to the West".
Giancarlo
"Journey to the West". Very int-- I'll have to look it up in the library later but it's ringing a bell. Wonderful. Oh, what a magnificent gift.
Tau
It was once wielded by a legendary Monkey King.
Giancarlo
The Monkey King, Donkey Kong. Yes. I remember him. Well.
Tau
Oh my Lord. Okay.
Giancarlo
All right. Well, it's a pleasure as always Enigmatos.
Tau
"Likewise, I guess."
Tau
Great. Okay, you see two gates leading out of the room. One is gate showing darkness and the other is showing a bag of coins.
Giancarlo
Alright, well, all things considered, I think darkness is the move here. So I'm going to press on that.
[SFX: Stone scrape as the portal opens.]
Giancarlo
I'm going to give Enigmatos a little bow and I'm going to dive in.
[SFX: Portal swoosh.]
Tau
Alright, you do that. What you find yourself in is something called a free room. So a free room basically just has the reward that you picked in it.
Giancarlo
Oh, hot. Okay.
Tau
So you have 150 darkness.
Giancarlo
I pocket that.
Tau
And then you see a gate. On the gate, you see a skull and crossbones.
Giancarlo
Alright.
Michael
(cackles) "Say hello to Meg for me."
Giancarlo
I can't believe I'm about to die to this fricking lady again. I really thought that everything we had, this was my time to shine. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I'm going to spend five sorcery points to regain a third level spell slot, and then I'm going to use that spell slot to cast third level false life on myself. I'm going to breathe in those delicious vapors for 15 temporary hit points. Okay. All right. Want to breathe deep, and get ready to fight this lady again. Here we go. I press on the bubble and I jump into the portal.
[SFX: Portal swoosh.]
Tau
You see Megara and Thanatos standing at the middle of the room.
Giancarlo
I knew it.
Amanda
Bahh!
Tau
As soon as I pop in, I'm just going to say "Wow, things are really falling apart around here, huh? Zagreus dying in restoration chambers, that doesn't happen often.
Amanda
Oh.
Tau
Megara goes "What the hell do you mean by that?"
Giancarlo
"Oh, you didn't know? Zagreus can't complete the escapes anymore. He died in a restoration chamber here in Tartarus."
Tau
Thanatos scowls, he says, "That's impossible. You're lying. What do you even have to gain from that?"
Giancarlo
"Roll a deception or roll up a... an insight check and check. You'll see I'm telling you the truth."
Tau
I mean, okay. I mean, so so he doesn't believe you. (laughs)
Giancarlo
"I can prove, oh, well, I can't really prove it. But if you ever get on Cash Chariot, tell him to take you to Zagreus. That's what I did. And guess what? Zagreus fucking died right in front of me."
Tau
"Where did you see him?"
Giancarlo
"A healing chamber, one of one of the fountain rooms here in Tartarus."
Tau
"That's not possible. You can't die in a healing chamber."
Giancarlo
"He was crawling toward the fountain. And then as he neared the fountain, he went up in a fountain of blood."
Tau
"Hm. You're right, I guess this place is falling apart. And it's up to us to keep it in good condition." And he snaps his fingers.
[SFX: A bell tolls.]
Tau
And a massive black maw appears underneath you. Make a dexterity saving throw.
Giancarlo
"Don't have to be a dick about it. I'm trying to help you out here." Alright. Great. That's a seven.
Tau
You feel this sense of overwhelming dread. It's as simple and straightforward and inescapable as gravity is you get sucked into this maw. And you die, if that's not clear.
Giancarlo
(sighs) Okay. I... I'm dead.
[SFX: Wet splatter. Beat. Energetic theme music plays. ]
Tau
ROGUE RUNNERS Volume 1: In the Blood, stars our players Nicholas Benetatos as Alexander the Great, Amanda Facosta as Anastasia Pantazis, Giancarlo Herrera as Rolf Yannik, and Michael Pisani as Arete Laskaris. Dungeon Mastering and NPC voices are by me, Tau Zaman. Cover art by Chandler Candela. Sound design and editing by Giancarlo Herrera. Title music by Sage G.C., with vocals by Jessica Dahlgren and Sage G.C. Character theme music by Giorgio Volpe. Additional music by Epidemic Sound. Transcription by Eli Barraza.
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We’re very proud to be in the Whisperforge collective, and hope you’ll check out our other shows. We think you’ll love The Far Meridian, a gorgeous and heartfelt audio drama about places unknown, and memories resurfaced. Get ready to run with us next week; new episodes drop every Friday. ‘Til next time, sinners. I’ll see you in hell.